Monday, January 24, 2011

Rupert Murdoch: A Wiki of Dicks...

Keith Rupert Murdoch, AC, KCSG (born March 11, 1931) is an Australian-born media mogul, wrinkled-up sourpuss, and a dick.
 As the owner of several media outlets, as well as the majority shareholder, chairman, and managing director of News Corporation, Murdoch is single-handedly responsible for the tabloidification of mainstream news across the globe, in all formats. As such, he can officially be credited with ruining Michael Jackson’s life.
While Rupert Murdoch does, in fact, come from the Land Down Under, should you ask him if he “speaks-a your language,” he probably won’t just smile and hand you a Vegemite sandwich.

With a net worth of $4 billion, Murdoch ranks as the 132nd-wealthiest person on earth. Of course he’s still getting his ass waxed by Bill Gates, the entire Walton family, and the Sultan of Brunei. At least he’s still beating Oprah.

Ted Turner wants to tear Rupert Murdoch a new one so bad, he’d sell all his rights to the Oglalla Acquifer—and throw in a used pair of Jane Fonda’s panties—just to get him in the Octagon for one round.

Early life and family

Murdoch began exploiting humankind’s desire for minute-by-minute updates on the comings and goings of train-wreck public personages from his birth on March 11, 1931, a birthday he shares with fellow stiff old cranks Sam Donaldson and Antonin Scalia, Bobby McFerrin, statutory rapist Joey Buttafuoco, and the sixteen-year-old actress who bares her little perkies in "American Beauty" (not coincidentally Joey’s Buttafuoco’s favorite scene).

While Murdoch likes the world to think of him as self-made, he is actually the son of a wealthy and powerful Australian newspaper man and an Irish noblewoman.

Young Murdoch attended Geelong Grammar school, a snooty Australian private school. For a time, he also went to Oxford, a university whose list of dick alumni outstrips even that of Harvard. And we’re talking about salty, old-school, Victorian-era dicks, too, like the kind that subjugates whole races of indigenous peoples whilst sipping tea and wearing monocles...

Building a dick empire

Rupert Murdoch’s father died in 1952; his dying wish was for his son to become a journalist.

While young Murdoch did insinuate himself into the role of managing director of "News Limited," his pursuits were more along the lines of wheeling and dealing, than writing and editing.

For the next twenty years, Murdoch proceeded to eat up nearly every media outlet in the country and transforming them into sensationalist rags, or, if already a sensationalist rag to begin with, into outright libelous vehicles for his own economic and political gain.

Of course, one must never underestimate humanity’s appetite for crap.

By the late 1960s, as Australia’s leading purveyor, Rupert Murdoch had by all accounts become the country’s most powerful non-elected official. But then, at that time nobody really gave a bloomin’ onion about Australia, not until 1988, which saw both the release of Yahoo Serious’ "Young Einstein" and the opening of the first Outback Steakhouse. Naturally, for a megalomaniac like Murdoch, this meant flinging his dick boomerang—or “dickerang”—into the northern hemisphere.

Beginning in 1969, Rupert Murdoch began acquiring, then systemically destroying the journalistic integrity of, several large British newspapers, including "News of the World," "The Sun," "The Times," and "The Sunday Times." Along the way, he also managed to spark several violent strikes by British print unions, and collude with high government officials to illegally quell said strikes.

With only so many Commonwealth citizens to swallow his current events-based butt pee, Murdoch began to focus his attention on the most tender, willing mouth of all: the United States.

In 1973, soon after whetting his dick appetite by acquiring the San Antonio Express-News, he founded Star, a supermarket tabloid that blends celebrity gossip with blatant fabrication, along the lines of “George W. Bush’s Alien Encounter” and “Bat Boy Found… In Britney’s Limo.”

Murdoch also owns the "New York Post," perhaps the most laughable newspaper in America, noted for its extensive use of dollar signs instead of the letter “S” in headlines, no matter how tenuous the story’s relation to finance.

In 1985, Murdoch totally dicked over his home country of Australia by renouncing his citizenship and becoming a naturalized U.S. citizen.

He did this so he could legally own American TV stations, cutting his dick teeth by purchasing the Fox Network. So maligned has this network been by pretty much every comedian since Murdoch’s takeover, it is impossible to write any kind of fresh jokes about it. Go ahead, try. We’ll wait.

A mere ten years later, Murdoch decided to enter the cable news market with the Fox News Channel, a 24-hour cable news network that became a dick incubator—or “dickubator”—of such giant throbbing dicks as Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Greta Van Susteren, and the grand-dick-daddy of them all, Bill O’Reilly.

Murdoch also owns a 34% stake in DirecTV, as well as the company that held Good thing no one goes on My Space any more, except pedophiles and that guy who does “To Catch A Predator” on MSNBC.

Rupert Murdoch’s publications and cable news channels have been branded as conservative, though Murdoch himself could most accurately be considered an opportunist.

 For instance, while his New York Post did not endorse her, Murdoch hosted a fundraiser for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s 2006 Senate re-election. Even more telling, while most Fox News commentators regard the Obama Administration as the sixth sign of the apocalypse, Murdoch himself has gone on record as a supporter. If only he used his powers for good.

Personal life

Like many dicks, Murdoch has a string of ex-wives. In 1956, he married Patricia Booker, who was—what else?—an airline stewardess. The two divorced in 1967, the same year he married Anna Torv, a cub reporter from his Sydney newspaper. After sticking it out for 32 years, they divorced. Seventeen days later, at the age of 68, Rupert Murdoch remarried to 30-year-old Deng Wendi. Pretty impressive for someone with such old balls. In fact, he’s recently managed to sire two children. Again, if only he used his powers for good.
Rupert Murdoch’s pastimes include collusion, anti-competitive business practices, flying into unpredictable rages, tax evasion, and bee-keeping. Home (all entries)